Nikki Grahame Interview in HEAT magazine
Nikki recorded this interview with HEAT magazine about her continued battle with anorexia. She has had a relapse but is seeking the right help.
Nikki's Interview with HEAT:-
After ten year, it breaks our hearts to report that Nikki Grahame'a anorexia has returned. After her first day back at an eating disorder clinic, heat sat down with Nikki for a frank and, at times, extremely difficult chat...
Nikki, we're so sorry. We thought these days were behind you.
They were. But I had a bunion removed in January and because I couldn't exercise for three months I started to panic that I'd get fat. So I cut my food down by half. Then as soon as I could, I started exercising to a ridiculous degree - but without increasing the food. I have this phobia of having more then 400 calories at any one time. I can't allow myself to sleep if I don't feel I've done enough exercise. I don't sit down for two hours after I've eaten.
Do you feel like you've lost control?
(looks very sad.) I feel like a bit of a failure. I've written my book and said thet I've beaten this illness, but now it's completely controlling me. I have to know where and when I'll be eating, at least two day's in advance, so I can gear myself up mentally. It just completely controls everything.
Your life doesn't sound happy...
I'm tormented. All I think about is this regimented schedule.
Is that why you've checked yourself into a clinic?
Yes, I go ro a clinic every day, from 10am till 4pm.
What happense in the clinic?
You have groups, like a self-esteem group, a relapse-prevention group, an art group, a body-awareness group...
And you have to eat what they tell you when you're there?
Yes, Yesterday I had to eat macaroni cheese. They supervise you so you can't throw up, and it scares the shit out of me. I'm going to stay there for a couple of weeks, then go back to my therapy once a week.
You've mentioned that you hear a voice in your head. Can you describe that voice?
It's just guilt. It's constantly reminding you that you don't deserve to be there. You're insignificant to everyone else. Unbelieveable self-loathing. I did have thoughts of harming myself when I heard a friend slag me off recently, because that just justifies how I feel about myself.
Why have you spoken about this today?
Talking about it is part of my counselling. I want to continue to be honest, because I've been an inspiration to people suffering out there and I've been inundated with e-mails.
What would be your advice to someone who is feeling the same way as you?
It's OK to ask for help. You deserve it as much as anyone else. There is a life out there and there's no point in wasting any more time on that voice inside your head. I'll get there. I just need to be steered in the right direction.
Nikki your not a failure and many people have drawn inspiration from your book. No one has done more to get the awareness of anorexia out to the public, you have worked so hard. Please don't feel bad about yourself, you have done the right thing getting help. We all love you and know you will bounce back.
For information or to seek help with anorexia then visit BEAT at b-eat.co.uk.